Goodness, it's been a long time since I've sent a letter to anyone. I really must apologise to you all, but Tony (my parakeet) has been dreadfully ill. It's been a frightfully worrying time, but he seems to be pulling through now and it's time to continue my quest for an Aston Martin.
Whenever I think about Tony, my thoughts naturally drift to Sir Jimmy Savile and the extraordinary role he played in procuring my beloved avian life-mate. Realising I've never fully thanked the great entertainer/DJ and all round lovely jogging charity worker, I've decided to write him this letter:
Dear Sir Jimmy Savile,
you probably remember me, even though we've never met. Once upon a time, many years since past, I wrote to your excellent wish-fulfilment programme Jim'll Fix It. My request was a simple one, one I feel you could easily have granted to make a faithful seven year old fan happy. All I wanted was a parakeet of my very own. One I could love (appropriately) and name and stare at in a cage for hours on end.
Unfortunately, you chose to let some spotty oik play drums with Adam and the Ants instead. I was furious and in a fit of rage I vowed never to watch your show again. I threw away my cardboard 'Jim Fixed It For Me' badge (since you patently hadn't), I burnt my tracksuit top (which turned out to be a bit of a mistake since I was freezing during games the following Wednesday) and I gave up smoking cigars and drinking whiskey.
Actually, my mum was quite pleased about that last one since she felt a seven year old shouldn't really drink whiskey. Curiously, she never really objected to the cigars. To be honest, I think she's never really forgiven me for cutting holes in the armchair to create a secret drinks bar so I could pretend to be you.
Yes, you were my idol. You and Tony Hart, of course. I loved you and you betrayed me bitterly.
Or so I thought, until one day in June of 1997 when I found myself the proud and mystified owner of a brand new parakeet called 'Mr Snuggles'. I never really liked the name and to be honest he wasn't a particularly nice bird, not like my Tony; but I loved him just the same.
Imagine my glee upon finding the parakeet, complete with cage and cuttlefish, in my living room. How did this miracle occur, I asked myself? To this day, Auntie Doreen still thinks I bought him in a bout of drunken depression brought about by my wife leaving me - but I know better. Obviously I would remember buying my dream bird, the one old Mrs Aston Martin Fan (the sour-faced old trout) would never allow me to have.
No, there was only one possible explanation.
You.
My aging, slightly weird, silver-haired guardian angel.
You must have broken into my house and left Mr Snuggles in the living room.
By the way, did you take the money from the china kitten on the mantelpiece? I'm not upset if you did, I just can't remember spending it. Oh, and I lost my dad's cuff links that day too - not pointing any fingers, just asking.
Although Mr Snuggles turned out to be mentally unstable and you may (or may not) have stolen my kitten money, I instantly fell to my knees and wept for turning my back on you all those years before. I'm sorry for the hurt I must have caused you and the pain of separation. I'm even more sorry to have taken so long to write to you explaining how I feel; but I find myself in need of your help once more.
You see, I have a new 'Fix' for you to ... um, fix. I would like nothing more than to own an Aston Martin and have set up this website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ in order to achieve this goal. Please, please, please could you fix it for me to own an Aston Martin? If you and your showbiz pals all donated a pound each to my fund, I'm almost positive I'd be cruising around in climate controlled comfort by the end of the year.
Please Sir Jim, please answer the prayers of a dying boy.
Actually - I'm not dying, nor am I a boy, but I thought it might help.
Yours with eternal reverence and gratitude,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Dr Bez
Inspired by the kind and thoughtful words of Lynn Barrett-Smith over on Facebook (have you been there? It's wonderful), I've decided to take her advice and write to Doctor Ulrich Bez, the CEO of Aston Martin:
Dear Dr Ulrich Bez,
may I begin by congratulating you on having the coolest name ever?
Well, maybe the third coolest after Rip Torn and Slim Pickens, but it's definitely up there. Imagine being able to go through life introducing yourself as Doctor Bez! Amazing!
Of course, you don't need to imagine it since it's your name! I imagine you spend all day every day introducing yourself to people. In fact, I imagine you probably introduce yourself to random strangers just to see their expressions.
On second thoughts, maybe you don't. Maybe you aren't a Happy Mondays fan and so don't find your name in the least bit amusing.
Yes. Now I come to think of it, that seems much more likely.
Sorry.
Still, let me introduce myself. I'm attempting to get total strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness. (Congratulations on all your beautiful cars by the way, they truly are a work of art ... and you can go to Morrisons in them! How amazing is that? Bet you couldn't get your weekly shop into the boot of the Mona Lisa. Or maybe you can, maybe she has a massive arse - who knows?)
Don't worry, by the way, I'm not about to ask you for a donation to my fund (although feel free if you think you can spare 50p http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/). No. The reason I'm writing to you is because of an interesting and astoundingly simple idea put forward by a Ms Lynn Barrett-Smith (have you met her? I haven't, but she seems lovely. She's certainly got a level head on her shoulders!). I'll let Lynn's words move you as they have moved me:
"if everybody were given an Aston Martin I (...) believe the world's economy would not be so pitiful. Some could sell them and pay their mortgages off, the money would then go back in to the economy. Others could sell and spend the money in the highstreet, thus ploughing also back in to the economy. It's ridiculous that Dr Ulrich Bez, Chief Executive Officer, Aston Martin, does not realise this, he could save the world. "
Amazing, isn't it? Doctor Bez, you have the power to save the world in the palm of your hand! True, it would probably bankrupt your magnificent company but surely that's a small price to pay for a completely saved world. If it helps, I'll refuse my free car since I have the utmost confidence I'll raise enough money in donations to buy my own. (I have stickers and everything!)
Oh, wait. If you give everyone in the world an Aston Martin and go bankrupt in the process then there will be no one for me to buy my Aston Martin from. Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that.
Still, I suspect the second-hand market will be booming ... and cheap! In fact I've probably already got enough money to buy an Aston Martin! Doctor Bez, I implore you, think of the children and act now before it's too late! Please, please, please see it in your heart to make six billion Aston Martins and distribute them to the world.
Yours with hope for the future,
An Aston Martin fan.
Surely it's only a matter of time before the world is saved by Aston Martin! Hooray!
Dear Dr Ulrich Bez,
may I begin by congratulating you on having the coolest name ever?
Well, maybe the third coolest after Rip Torn and Slim Pickens, but it's definitely up there. Imagine being able to go through life introducing yourself as Doctor Bez! Amazing!
Of course, you don't need to imagine it since it's your name! I imagine you spend all day every day introducing yourself to people. In fact, I imagine you probably introduce yourself to random strangers just to see their expressions.
On second thoughts, maybe you don't. Maybe you aren't a Happy Mondays fan and so don't find your name in the least bit amusing.
Yes. Now I come to think of it, that seems much more likely.
Sorry.
Still, let me introduce myself. I'm attempting to get total strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness. (Congratulations on all your beautiful cars by the way, they truly are a work of art ... and you can go to Morrisons in them! How amazing is that? Bet you couldn't get your weekly shop into the boot of the Mona Lisa. Or maybe you can, maybe she has a massive arse - who knows?)
Don't worry, by the way, I'm not about to ask you for a donation to my fund (although feel free if you think you can spare 50p http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/). No. The reason I'm writing to you is because of an interesting and astoundingly simple idea put forward by a Ms Lynn Barrett-Smith (have you met her? I haven't, but she seems lovely. She's certainly got a level head on her shoulders!). I'll let Lynn's words move you as they have moved me:
"if everybody were given an Aston Martin I (...) believe the world's economy would not be so pitiful. Some could sell them and pay their mortgages off, the money would then go back in to the economy. Others could sell and spend the money in the highstreet, thus ploughing also back in to the economy. It's ridiculous that Dr Ulrich Bez, Chief Executive Officer, Aston Martin, does not realise this, he could save the world. "
Amazing, isn't it? Doctor Bez, you have the power to save the world in the palm of your hand! True, it would probably bankrupt your magnificent company but surely that's a small price to pay for a completely saved world. If it helps, I'll refuse my free car since I have the utmost confidence I'll raise enough money in donations to buy my own. (I have stickers and everything!)
Oh, wait. If you give everyone in the world an Aston Martin and go bankrupt in the process then there will be no one for me to buy my Aston Martin from. Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that.
Still, I suspect the second-hand market will be booming ... and cheap! In fact I've probably already got enough money to buy an Aston Martin! Doctor Bez, I implore you, think of the children and act now before it's too late! Please, please, please see it in your heart to make six billion Aston Martins and distribute them to the world.
Yours with hope for the future,
An Aston Martin fan.
Surely it's only a matter of time before the world is saved by Aston Martin! Hooray!
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Kerry Katona
Inspired by the delightful Mr Brainwhispers' comments on the last post, I've decided to follow his advice and email Kerry Katona:
Dear Mr Kerry Katona,
hello, how are you? I'm sorry to hear you've gone mental recently, that can't be very nice. Can I just say you are without doubt my favourite Iceland presenter?
I can?
Marvellous!
I too am 'crazy in love' but instead of with a money-grabbing, workshy ex-taxi-driver (who seems lovely, by the way - congratulations!) I am hopelessly smitten with the most beautiful of man's creations - an Aston Martin. Obviously running a close second to your breasts and in a way, it's your breasts I'd like to discuss in this missive. It's been suggested to me by a close personal friend, Mr Brainwhispers (do you know him? He's a lovely man with some rather odd views on Pandas - I think you two would hit it off) that I approach you with regards to you promoting my website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ where I am attempting to convince the general public to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness.
Sheer madness, you might exclaim!
And I suppose you'd know, but it does seem to be working - albeit very, very slowly. I was rather hoping you could speed up the process by wearing a T-shirt bearing the logo of my website? I would be quite happy to supply the T-shirt if you could supply the chest to fill it. I was going to offer to supply one for Mark too, but on reflection I don't need that kind of publicity.
Assuming you receive this email prior to being sectioned, please feel free to email me your address, size and colour preference and I'll send you your 'promote someone else's website' T-shirt by return of post.
Thank you ever so much for your support, I only hope you're not too mental to read by the time this arrives.
With extreme fondness,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Excellent, I expect to be in Closer magazine any day now.
Dear Mr Kerry Katona,
hello, how are you? I'm sorry to hear you've gone mental recently, that can't be very nice. Can I just say you are without doubt my favourite Iceland presenter?
I can?
Marvellous!
I too am 'crazy in love' but instead of with a money-grabbing, workshy ex-taxi-driver (who seems lovely, by the way - congratulations!) I am hopelessly smitten with the most beautiful of man's creations - an Aston Martin. Obviously running a close second to your breasts and in a way, it's your breasts I'd like to discuss in this missive. It's been suggested to me by a close personal friend, Mr Brainwhispers (do you know him? He's a lovely man with some rather odd views on Pandas - I think you two would hit it off) that I approach you with regards to you promoting my website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ where I am attempting to convince the general public to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness.
Sheer madness, you might exclaim!
And I suppose you'd know, but it does seem to be working - albeit very, very slowly. I was rather hoping you could speed up the process by wearing a T-shirt bearing the logo of my website? I would be quite happy to supply the T-shirt if you could supply the chest to fill it. I was going to offer to supply one for Mark too, but on reflection I don't need that kind of publicity.
Assuming you receive this email prior to being sectioned, please feel free to email me your address, size and colour preference and I'll send you your 'promote someone else's website' T-shirt by return of post.
Thank you ever so much for your support, I only hope you're not too mental to read by the time this arrives.
With extreme fondness,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Excellent, I expect to be in Closer magazine any day now.
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