Chris Moyles

Oh my paws and whiskers, it's November! I've completely missed out on October and nearly missed the whole of November too. How is everyone, are you well? Getting ready for Christmas? I'll be putting my Christmas light up soon (yes, light, singular - more than one is beyond my meagre resources).

I see the totaliser has been surging ahead - I've even had my first £50 donation. Thank you ever so much, whoever you are - your contribution is much appreciated. I only hope you didn't accidentally put the decimal point in the wrong place and have left yourself a bit short.

So what have I been up to? Well, to be honest, I've been a bit depressed after hearing Terry Wogan is leaving Radio 2. I'm sure you feel the same and like me are wondering who can possibly fill Tel's beautifully big boots.

I'm not impressed with the chap who's taking over and since the only alternative is sitting in silence while Tony goes on and on about 'Polly wanting a cracker', I am now in the market for a new breakfast show.

It seems to me I this is the perfect opportunity to combine my two hobbies - listening to the radio and begging for money. To this end, I've decided to auction my affections off to the highest bidder.

Here's the first of possibly many letters to potential new breakfast shows:

Dear Mr Christopher Moyles,

how are you? I hope you are well. I have to confess, I'm not really a fan of yours since I find off-colour remarks and gross stupidity vaguely offensive, but needs must as they say.

I'm not actually sure what 'needs must' means or why they say it, but I personally tend to say it an awful lot. Perhaps you could run a feature on your show explaining what it means?

Upon hearing the sad news of Terry Wogan's retirement, I find myself in a somewhat awkward position of shopping around for a new breakfast show to listen to and I immediately thought of you.

I won't tell you what that thought actually was, because I can't abide profanity; but let's just say it wasn't pretty, I'm not proud of myself and perhaps we can all move on.

I understand your ratings have been slipping a bit recently, perhaps because your listeners have been reaching puberty and no longer find that sort of thing funny? Perhaps not, who can say? I do however have a solution for you, one which can perhaps stem (or at least momentarily slow) the tide of lifeboat bound rats.

You see, as well as being an avid early morning radio listener, I am also engaged in a quest to buy an Aston Martin and I would like to propose something which could help both of us.

I promise to listen to your show, every morning (except when you're on holiday and Scott Mills takes over - I'm not a masochist) on every radio in the house (two. That's two radios) for ever and ever, if you BUY ME AN ASTON MARTIN.

Ridiculous, I hear you cry, no single listener is worth an Aston Martin ... well of course not, silly. What I am actually proposing is you donate to my Aston Martin fund on www.buymeanastonmartin.com. It doesn't have to be much, although if I am going to listen to you and your bunch of barely-literate chums then perhaps it should be a few hundred pounds.

If you don't fancy donating that much yourself, which is fair enough since I imagine you must be quite worried about your future earning potential, then perhaps you could plug my website on your show? Goodness, you must have hundreds of listeners (soon to be hundreds + one!) and if they all donated fifty pence then I would have (hundreds divided by two) pounds in a matter of minutes.

Yes, the more I think about it, that's a much better deal for both of us. If you promote my website on air, I'll listen to your show on both radios - that's two extra listeners!

Do parakeets count in the ratings? I feel they should since they are very clever creatures. If they do, then I promise I'll try to get Tony to listen too - he does tend to throw things at the radio when he hears your voice, but I'm sure I can find some way of sedating him for the duration of your show. That would be four extra listeners! (Two for each radio)

Hopefully you will see the beauty of this proposal and grasp it immediately. I can't understand why you wouldn't since we both stand to gain immeasurably.

Well, okay, it is measurable. Sorry, I got very excited there.

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well and I look forward (sort of) to a long relationship with you via the medium of the electronic sound wave.

My eternal thanks (and ears!)

An Aston Martin Fan

We'll have to see how that goes down, but I'm fairly positive. Keep your fingers crossed for me!