Did you have a nice Christmas? I hope you did.
Tony and I ate lots of mince pies and bird seed (I had the mince pies, Tony had the bird seed) and watched lots of lovely telly. Like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang where two lovely children get a lovely new car.
I love that film, that's what Christmas is all about - getting new cars.
And I'm well on my way. Thanks to your lovely generosity I'm now 0.25% of the way to an Aston Martin!
Thank you ever so much, at this rate I'll have one in a mere 400 years!
Goodness, I wonder if they'll still make them then?
Happy New Year to you all and may you have a very generous 2010.
Love
An Aston Martin Fan
Tuesday, 29 December 2009
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Chris Moyles
Oh my paws and whiskers, it's November! I've completely missed out on October and nearly missed the whole of November too. How is everyone, are you well? Getting ready for Christmas? I'll be putting my Christmas light up soon (yes, light, singular - more than one is beyond my meagre resources).
I see the totaliser has been surging ahead - I've even had my first £50 donation. Thank you ever so much, whoever you are - your contribution is much appreciated. I only hope you didn't accidentally put the decimal point in the wrong place and have left yourself a bit short.
So what have I been up to? Well, to be honest, I've been a bit depressed after hearing Terry Wogan is leaving Radio 2. I'm sure you feel the same and like me are wondering who can possibly fill Tel's beautifully big boots.
I'm not impressed with the chap who's taking over and since the only alternative is sitting in silence while Tony goes on and on about 'Polly wanting a cracker', I am now in the market for a new breakfast show.
It seems to me I this is the perfect opportunity to combine my two hobbies - listening to the radio and begging for money. To this end, I've decided to auction my affections off to the highest bidder.
Here's the first of possibly many letters to potential new breakfast shows:
Dear Mr Christopher Moyles,
how are you? I hope you are well. I have to confess, I'm not really a fan of yours since I find off-colour remarks and gross stupidity vaguely offensive, but needs must as they say.
I'm not actually sure what 'needs must' means or why they say it, but I personally tend to say it an awful lot. Perhaps you could run a feature on your show explaining what it means?
Upon hearing the sad news of Terry Wogan's retirement, I find myself in a somewhat awkward position of shopping around for a new breakfast show to listen to and I immediately thought of you.
I won't tell you what that thought actually was, because I can't abide profanity; but let's just say it wasn't pretty, I'm not proud of myself and perhaps we can all move on.
I understand your ratings have been slipping a bit recently, perhaps because your listeners have been reaching puberty and no longer find that sort of thing funny? Perhaps not, who can say? I do however have a solution for you, one which can perhaps stem (or at least momentarily slow) the tide of lifeboat bound rats.
You see, as well as being an avid early morning radio listener, I am also engaged in a quest to buy an Aston Martin and I would like to propose something which could help both of us.
I promise to listen to your show, every morning (except when you're on holiday and Scott Mills takes over - I'm not a masochist) on every radio in the house (two. That's two radios) for ever and ever, if you BUY ME AN ASTON MARTIN.
Ridiculous, I hear you cry, no single listener is worth an Aston Martin ... well of course not, silly. What I am actually proposing is you donate to my Aston Martin fund on www.buymeanastonmartin.com. It doesn't have to be much, although if I am going to listen to you and your bunch of barely-literate chums then perhaps it should be a few hundred pounds.
If you don't fancy donating that much yourself, which is fair enough since I imagine you must be quite worried about your future earning potential, then perhaps you could plug my website on your show? Goodness, you must have hundreds of listeners (soon to be hundreds + one!) and if they all donated fifty pence then I would have (hundreds divided by two) pounds in a matter of minutes.
Yes, the more I think about it, that's a much better deal for both of us. If you promote my website on air, I'll listen to your show on both radios - that's two extra listeners!
Do parakeets count in the ratings? I feel they should since they are very clever creatures. If they do, then I promise I'll try to get Tony to listen too - he does tend to throw things at the radio when he hears your voice, but I'm sure I can find some way of sedating him for the duration of your show. That would be four extra listeners! (Two for each radio)
Hopefully you will see the beauty of this proposal and grasp it immediately. I can't understand why you wouldn't since we both stand to gain immeasurably.
Well, okay, it is measurable. Sorry, I got very excited there.
Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well and I look forward (sort of) to a long relationship with you via the medium of the electronic sound wave.
My eternal thanks (and ears!)
An Aston Martin Fan
We'll have to see how that goes down, but I'm fairly positive. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
I see the totaliser has been surging ahead - I've even had my first £50 donation. Thank you ever so much, whoever you are - your contribution is much appreciated. I only hope you didn't accidentally put the decimal point in the wrong place and have left yourself a bit short.
So what have I been up to? Well, to be honest, I've been a bit depressed after hearing Terry Wogan is leaving Radio 2. I'm sure you feel the same and like me are wondering who can possibly fill Tel's beautifully big boots.
I'm not impressed with the chap who's taking over and since the only alternative is sitting in silence while Tony goes on and on about 'Polly wanting a cracker', I am now in the market for a new breakfast show.
It seems to me I this is the perfect opportunity to combine my two hobbies - listening to the radio and begging for money. To this end, I've decided to auction my affections off to the highest bidder.
Here's the first of possibly many letters to potential new breakfast shows:
Dear Mr Christopher Moyles,
how are you? I hope you are well. I have to confess, I'm not really a fan of yours since I find off-colour remarks and gross stupidity vaguely offensive, but needs must as they say.
I'm not actually sure what 'needs must' means or why they say it, but I personally tend to say it an awful lot. Perhaps you could run a feature on your show explaining what it means?
Upon hearing the sad news of Terry Wogan's retirement, I find myself in a somewhat awkward position of shopping around for a new breakfast show to listen to and I immediately thought of you.
I won't tell you what that thought actually was, because I can't abide profanity; but let's just say it wasn't pretty, I'm not proud of myself and perhaps we can all move on.
I understand your ratings have been slipping a bit recently, perhaps because your listeners have been reaching puberty and no longer find that sort of thing funny? Perhaps not, who can say? I do however have a solution for you, one which can perhaps stem (or at least momentarily slow) the tide of lifeboat bound rats.
You see, as well as being an avid early morning radio listener, I am also engaged in a quest to buy an Aston Martin and I would like to propose something which could help both of us.
I promise to listen to your show, every morning (except when you're on holiday and Scott Mills takes over - I'm not a masochist) on every radio in the house (two. That's two radios) for ever and ever, if you BUY ME AN ASTON MARTIN.
Ridiculous, I hear you cry, no single listener is worth an Aston Martin ... well of course not, silly. What I am actually proposing is you donate to my Aston Martin fund on www.buymeanastonmartin.com. It doesn't have to be much, although if I am going to listen to you and your bunch of barely-literate chums then perhaps it should be a few hundred pounds.
If you don't fancy donating that much yourself, which is fair enough since I imagine you must be quite worried about your future earning potential, then perhaps you could plug my website on your show? Goodness, you must have hundreds of listeners (soon to be hundreds + one!) and if they all donated fifty pence then I would have (hundreds divided by two) pounds in a matter of minutes.
Yes, the more I think about it, that's a much better deal for both of us. If you promote my website on air, I'll listen to your show on both radios - that's two extra listeners!
Do parakeets count in the ratings? I feel they should since they are very clever creatures. If they do, then I promise I'll try to get Tony to listen too - he does tend to throw things at the radio when he hears your voice, but I'm sure I can find some way of sedating him for the duration of your show. That would be four extra listeners! (Two for each radio)
Hopefully you will see the beauty of this proposal and grasp it immediately. I can't understand why you wouldn't since we both stand to gain immeasurably.
Well, okay, it is measurable. Sorry, I got very excited there.
Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well and I look forward (sort of) to a long relationship with you via the medium of the electronic sound wave.
My eternal thanks (and ears!)
An Aston Martin Fan
We'll have to see how that goes down, but I'm fairly positive. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Monday, 28 September 2009
Sir Jimmy Savile
Goodness, it's been a long time since I've sent a letter to anyone. I really must apologise to you all, but Tony (my parakeet) has been dreadfully ill. It's been a frightfully worrying time, but he seems to be pulling through now and it's time to continue my quest for an Aston Martin.
Whenever I think about Tony, my thoughts naturally drift to Sir Jimmy Savile and the extraordinary role he played in procuring my beloved avian life-mate. Realising I've never fully thanked the great entertainer/DJ and all round lovely jogging charity worker, I've decided to write him this letter:
Dear Sir Jimmy Savile,
you probably remember me, even though we've never met. Once upon a time, many years since past, I wrote to your excellent wish-fulfilment programme Jim'll Fix It. My request was a simple one, one I feel you could easily have granted to make a faithful seven year old fan happy. All I wanted was a parakeet of my very own. One I could love (appropriately) and name and stare at in a cage for hours on end.
Unfortunately, you chose to let some spotty oik play drums with Adam and the Ants instead. I was furious and in a fit of rage I vowed never to watch your show again. I threw away my cardboard 'Jim Fixed It For Me' badge (since you patently hadn't), I burnt my tracksuit top (which turned out to be a bit of a mistake since I was freezing during games the following Wednesday) and I gave up smoking cigars and drinking whiskey.
Actually, my mum was quite pleased about that last one since she felt a seven year old shouldn't really drink whiskey. Curiously, she never really objected to the cigars. To be honest, I think she's never really forgiven me for cutting holes in the armchair to create a secret drinks bar so I could pretend to be you.
Yes, you were my idol. You and Tony Hart, of course. I loved you and you betrayed me bitterly.
Or so I thought, until one day in June of 1997 when I found myself the proud and mystified owner of a brand new parakeet called 'Mr Snuggles'. I never really liked the name and to be honest he wasn't a particularly nice bird, not like my Tony; but I loved him just the same.
Imagine my glee upon finding the parakeet, complete with cage and cuttlefish, in my living room. How did this miracle occur, I asked myself? To this day, Auntie Doreen still thinks I bought him in a bout of drunken depression brought about by my wife leaving me - but I know better. Obviously I would remember buying my dream bird, the one old Mrs Aston Martin Fan (the sour-faced old trout) would never allow me to have.
No, there was only one possible explanation.
You.
My aging, slightly weird, silver-haired guardian angel.
You must have broken into my house and left Mr Snuggles in the living room.
By the way, did you take the money from the china kitten on the mantelpiece? I'm not upset if you did, I just can't remember spending it. Oh, and I lost my dad's cuff links that day too - not pointing any fingers, just asking.
Although Mr Snuggles turned out to be mentally unstable and you may (or may not) have stolen my kitten money, I instantly fell to my knees and wept for turning my back on you all those years before. I'm sorry for the hurt I must have caused you and the pain of separation. I'm even more sorry to have taken so long to write to you explaining how I feel; but I find myself in need of your help once more.
You see, I have a new 'Fix' for you to ... um, fix. I would like nothing more than to own an Aston Martin and have set up this website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ in order to achieve this goal. Please, please, please could you fix it for me to own an Aston Martin? If you and your showbiz pals all donated a pound each to my fund, I'm almost positive I'd be cruising around in climate controlled comfort by the end of the year.
Please Sir Jim, please answer the prayers of a dying boy.
Actually - I'm not dying, nor am I a boy, but I thought it might help.
Yours with eternal reverence and gratitude,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Whenever I think about Tony, my thoughts naturally drift to Sir Jimmy Savile and the extraordinary role he played in procuring my beloved avian life-mate. Realising I've never fully thanked the great entertainer/DJ and all round lovely jogging charity worker, I've decided to write him this letter:
Dear Sir Jimmy Savile,
you probably remember me, even though we've never met. Once upon a time, many years since past, I wrote to your excellent wish-fulfilment programme Jim'll Fix It. My request was a simple one, one I feel you could easily have granted to make a faithful seven year old fan happy. All I wanted was a parakeet of my very own. One I could love (appropriately) and name and stare at in a cage for hours on end.
Unfortunately, you chose to let some spotty oik play drums with Adam and the Ants instead. I was furious and in a fit of rage I vowed never to watch your show again. I threw away my cardboard 'Jim Fixed It For Me' badge (since you patently hadn't), I burnt my tracksuit top (which turned out to be a bit of a mistake since I was freezing during games the following Wednesday) and I gave up smoking cigars and drinking whiskey.
Actually, my mum was quite pleased about that last one since she felt a seven year old shouldn't really drink whiskey. Curiously, she never really objected to the cigars. To be honest, I think she's never really forgiven me for cutting holes in the armchair to create a secret drinks bar so I could pretend to be you.
Yes, you were my idol. You and Tony Hart, of course. I loved you and you betrayed me bitterly.
Or so I thought, until one day in June of 1997 when I found myself the proud and mystified owner of a brand new parakeet called 'Mr Snuggles'. I never really liked the name and to be honest he wasn't a particularly nice bird, not like my Tony; but I loved him just the same.
Imagine my glee upon finding the parakeet, complete with cage and cuttlefish, in my living room. How did this miracle occur, I asked myself? To this day, Auntie Doreen still thinks I bought him in a bout of drunken depression brought about by my wife leaving me - but I know better. Obviously I would remember buying my dream bird, the one old Mrs Aston Martin Fan (the sour-faced old trout) would never allow me to have.
No, there was only one possible explanation.
You.
My aging, slightly weird, silver-haired guardian angel.
You must have broken into my house and left Mr Snuggles in the living room.
By the way, did you take the money from the china kitten on the mantelpiece? I'm not upset if you did, I just can't remember spending it. Oh, and I lost my dad's cuff links that day too - not pointing any fingers, just asking.
Although Mr Snuggles turned out to be mentally unstable and you may (or may not) have stolen my kitten money, I instantly fell to my knees and wept for turning my back on you all those years before. I'm sorry for the hurt I must have caused you and the pain of separation. I'm even more sorry to have taken so long to write to you explaining how I feel; but I find myself in need of your help once more.
You see, I have a new 'Fix' for you to ... um, fix. I would like nothing more than to own an Aston Martin and have set up this website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ in order to achieve this goal. Please, please, please could you fix it for me to own an Aston Martin? If you and your showbiz pals all donated a pound each to my fund, I'm almost positive I'd be cruising around in climate controlled comfort by the end of the year.
Please Sir Jim, please answer the prayers of a dying boy.
Actually - I'm not dying, nor am I a boy, but I thought it might help.
Yours with eternal reverence and gratitude,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Dr Bez
Inspired by the kind and thoughtful words of Lynn Barrett-Smith over on Facebook (have you been there? It's wonderful), I've decided to take her advice and write to Doctor Ulrich Bez, the CEO of Aston Martin:
Dear Dr Ulrich Bez,
may I begin by congratulating you on having the coolest name ever?
Well, maybe the third coolest after Rip Torn and Slim Pickens, but it's definitely up there. Imagine being able to go through life introducing yourself as Doctor Bez! Amazing!
Of course, you don't need to imagine it since it's your name! I imagine you spend all day every day introducing yourself to people. In fact, I imagine you probably introduce yourself to random strangers just to see their expressions.
On second thoughts, maybe you don't. Maybe you aren't a Happy Mondays fan and so don't find your name in the least bit amusing.
Yes. Now I come to think of it, that seems much more likely.
Sorry.
Still, let me introduce myself. I'm attempting to get total strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness. (Congratulations on all your beautiful cars by the way, they truly are a work of art ... and you can go to Morrisons in them! How amazing is that? Bet you couldn't get your weekly shop into the boot of the Mona Lisa. Or maybe you can, maybe she has a massive arse - who knows?)
Don't worry, by the way, I'm not about to ask you for a donation to my fund (although feel free if you think you can spare 50p http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/). No. The reason I'm writing to you is because of an interesting and astoundingly simple idea put forward by a Ms Lynn Barrett-Smith (have you met her? I haven't, but she seems lovely. She's certainly got a level head on her shoulders!). I'll let Lynn's words move you as they have moved me:
"if everybody were given an Aston Martin I (...) believe the world's economy would not be so pitiful. Some could sell them and pay their mortgages off, the money would then go back in to the economy. Others could sell and spend the money in the highstreet, thus ploughing also back in to the economy. It's ridiculous that Dr Ulrich Bez, Chief Executive Officer, Aston Martin, does not realise this, he could save the world. "
Amazing, isn't it? Doctor Bez, you have the power to save the world in the palm of your hand! True, it would probably bankrupt your magnificent company but surely that's a small price to pay for a completely saved world. If it helps, I'll refuse my free car since I have the utmost confidence I'll raise enough money in donations to buy my own. (I have stickers and everything!)
Oh, wait. If you give everyone in the world an Aston Martin and go bankrupt in the process then there will be no one for me to buy my Aston Martin from. Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that.
Still, I suspect the second-hand market will be booming ... and cheap! In fact I've probably already got enough money to buy an Aston Martin! Doctor Bez, I implore you, think of the children and act now before it's too late! Please, please, please see it in your heart to make six billion Aston Martins and distribute them to the world.
Yours with hope for the future,
An Aston Martin fan.
Surely it's only a matter of time before the world is saved by Aston Martin! Hooray!
Dear Dr Ulrich Bez,
may I begin by congratulating you on having the coolest name ever?
Well, maybe the third coolest after Rip Torn and Slim Pickens, but it's definitely up there. Imagine being able to go through life introducing yourself as Doctor Bez! Amazing!
Of course, you don't need to imagine it since it's your name! I imagine you spend all day every day introducing yourself to people. In fact, I imagine you probably introduce yourself to random strangers just to see their expressions.
On second thoughts, maybe you don't. Maybe you aren't a Happy Mondays fan and so don't find your name in the least bit amusing.
Yes. Now I come to think of it, that seems much more likely.
Sorry.
Still, let me introduce myself. I'm attempting to get total strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness. (Congratulations on all your beautiful cars by the way, they truly are a work of art ... and you can go to Morrisons in them! How amazing is that? Bet you couldn't get your weekly shop into the boot of the Mona Lisa. Or maybe you can, maybe she has a massive arse - who knows?)
Don't worry, by the way, I'm not about to ask you for a donation to my fund (although feel free if you think you can spare 50p http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/). No. The reason I'm writing to you is because of an interesting and astoundingly simple idea put forward by a Ms Lynn Barrett-Smith (have you met her? I haven't, but she seems lovely. She's certainly got a level head on her shoulders!). I'll let Lynn's words move you as they have moved me:
"if everybody were given an Aston Martin I (...) believe the world's economy would not be so pitiful. Some could sell them and pay their mortgages off, the money would then go back in to the economy. Others could sell and spend the money in the highstreet, thus ploughing also back in to the economy. It's ridiculous that Dr Ulrich Bez, Chief Executive Officer, Aston Martin, does not realise this, he could save the world. "
Amazing, isn't it? Doctor Bez, you have the power to save the world in the palm of your hand! True, it would probably bankrupt your magnificent company but surely that's a small price to pay for a completely saved world. If it helps, I'll refuse my free car since I have the utmost confidence I'll raise enough money in donations to buy my own. (I have stickers and everything!)
Oh, wait. If you give everyone in the world an Aston Martin and go bankrupt in the process then there will be no one for me to buy my Aston Martin from. Oh dear, I hadn't thought of that.
Still, I suspect the second-hand market will be booming ... and cheap! In fact I've probably already got enough money to buy an Aston Martin! Doctor Bez, I implore you, think of the children and act now before it's too late! Please, please, please see it in your heart to make six billion Aston Martins and distribute them to the world.
Yours with hope for the future,
An Aston Martin fan.
Surely it's only a matter of time before the world is saved by Aston Martin! Hooray!
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Kerry Katona
Inspired by the delightful Mr Brainwhispers' comments on the last post, I've decided to follow his advice and email Kerry Katona:
Dear Mr Kerry Katona,
hello, how are you? I'm sorry to hear you've gone mental recently, that can't be very nice. Can I just say you are without doubt my favourite Iceland presenter?
I can?
Marvellous!
I too am 'crazy in love' but instead of with a money-grabbing, workshy ex-taxi-driver (who seems lovely, by the way - congratulations!) I am hopelessly smitten with the most beautiful of man's creations - an Aston Martin. Obviously running a close second to your breasts and in a way, it's your breasts I'd like to discuss in this missive. It's been suggested to me by a close personal friend, Mr Brainwhispers (do you know him? He's a lovely man with some rather odd views on Pandas - I think you two would hit it off) that I approach you with regards to you promoting my website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ where I am attempting to convince the general public to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness.
Sheer madness, you might exclaim!
And I suppose you'd know, but it does seem to be working - albeit very, very slowly. I was rather hoping you could speed up the process by wearing a T-shirt bearing the logo of my website? I would be quite happy to supply the T-shirt if you could supply the chest to fill it. I was going to offer to supply one for Mark too, but on reflection I don't need that kind of publicity.
Assuming you receive this email prior to being sectioned, please feel free to email me your address, size and colour preference and I'll send you your 'promote someone else's website' T-shirt by return of post.
Thank you ever so much for your support, I only hope you're not too mental to read by the time this arrives.
With extreme fondness,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Excellent, I expect to be in Closer magazine any day now.
Dear Mr Kerry Katona,
hello, how are you? I'm sorry to hear you've gone mental recently, that can't be very nice. Can I just say you are without doubt my favourite Iceland presenter?
I can?
Marvellous!
I too am 'crazy in love' but instead of with a money-grabbing, workshy ex-taxi-driver (who seems lovely, by the way - congratulations!) I am hopelessly smitten with the most beautiful of man's creations - an Aston Martin. Obviously running a close second to your breasts and in a way, it's your breasts I'd like to discuss in this missive. It's been suggested to me by a close personal friend, Mr Brainwhispers (do you know him? He's a lovely man with some rather odd views on Pandas - I think you two would hit it off) that I approach you with regards to you promoting my website http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/ where I am attempting to convince the general public to buy me an Aston Martin using only the power of politeness.
Sheer madness, you might exclaim!
And I suppose you'd know, but it does seem to be working - albeit very, very slowly. I was rather hoping you could speed up the process by wearing a T-shirt bearing the logo of my website? I would be quite happy to supply the T-shirt if you could supply the chest to fill it. I was going to offer to supply one for Mark too, but on reflection I don't need that kind of publicity.
Assuming you receive this email prior to being sectioned, please feel free to email me your address, size and colour preference and I'll send you your 'promote someone else's website' T-shirt by return of post.
Thank you ever so much for your support, I only hope you're not too mental to read by the time this arrives.
With extreme fondness,
An Aston Martin Fan.
Excellent, I expect to be in Closer magazine any day now.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Flyers
The campaign is going swimmingly, I couldn't be happier. £47.93 and going strong!
But not strong enough.
It's time to take it to the next level ... flyers. If you were, completely by chance whilst browsing the site, to stumble upon the spread the word page you might find yourself confronted with a new section.
"Oho, what's this?" you'd probably say.
Unless you were French, in which case you'd probably say "Oh la la, qu'est-ce c'est?".
Either way, you'd be looking at the wonderful new flyers:
But not strong enough.
It's time to take it to the next level ... flyers. If you were, completely by chance whilst browsing the site, to stumble upon the spread the word page you might find yourself confronted with a new section.
"Oho, what's this?" you'd probably say.
Unless you were French, in which case you'd probably say "Oh la la, qu'est-ce c'est?".
Either way, you'd be looking at the wonderful new flyers:
and:
Feel free to download as many as you can carry, but please use them responsibly. I would be mortified if, for example, any swans choked to death as a result of improper application.
Power of politeness flyers - expect them in a town near you soon!
Monday, 17 August 2009
The Daily Mail
It's been over a week and no word from Terry Wogan, shame; but I expect he's a very busy man what with working two hours a day, five days a week.
Still, onwards and slightly downwards. I've decided to enlist the press in my campaign. Naturally, I want to stay true to the principles of politeness and positivity; and with this in mind I've written to the only logical choice ... The Daily Mail:
Dear The Daily Mail,
hello there, I hope you're having a wonderful day. May I just say I'm a huge fan of your newspaper?
I may?
Splendid.
Obviously, I'm not so fond of the racist and homophobic bits, but I enjoy the rest. Like the cartoons. Except 'The Odd Streak', I'm afraid I don't get that one.
I suppose, on reflection, buying your newspaper is quite an expensive way to read Fred Basset but there you go. It is what it is and Tony (my parakeet) loves your paper in his cage. I think it's because the ink doesn't rub off on his claws.
May I impose on you to do what you do best?
Not spread fear and xenophobic hatred, I know that's your number one skill; but I was wondering if I could engage your services for your second most favourite pastime ... creating a furore.
You see, I'm trying to get people to buy me an Aston Martin using nothing but the power of politeness and I believe you could help. I'd dearly love you to promote my cause by creating a public outcry. Something of the kind you whipped up for Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand (which did wonders for their career and popularity, by the way. Well done you, you clever old stick!).
I know, I know - I'm no where near as famous as those two great Gods of mirth; but if it helps, you could pretend I'm black or gay. Or both. Or an immigrant perhaps? I was technically born in Hartlepool; but if it helps shock and outrage your readers, I can pretend to be from any where you like.
It really would be awfully nice if you could see your way clear to steering your vast, swine flu fearing, darkie hating, ephebiphobic readership to my website: http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/. Once there, if they could all donate 50p, I'm sure I'd have an Aston Martin in no time.
Thank you ever so much in advance, I leave the fate of my supercar-owning future entirely in your ink-free hands.
Yours in eternal optimism,
An Aston Martin Fan
Perfect.
Still, onwards and slightly downwards. I've decided to enlist the press in my campaign. Naturally, I want to stay true to the principles of politeness and positivity; and with this in mind I've written to the only logical choice ... The Daily Mail:
Dear The Daily Mail,
hello there, I hope you're having a wonderful day. May I just say I'm a huge fan of your newspaper?
I may?
Splendid.
Obviously, I'm not so fond of the racist and homophobic bits, but I enjoy the rest. Like the cartoons. Except 'The Odd Streak', I'm afraid I don't get that one.
I suppose, on reflection, buying your newspaper is quite an expensive way to read Fred Basset but there you go. It is what it is and Tony (my parakeet) loves your paper in his cage. I think it's because the ink doesn't rub off on his claws.
May I impose on you to do what you do best?
Not spread fear and xenophobic hatred, I know that's your number one skill; but I was wondering if I could engage your services for your second most favourite pastime ... creating a furore.
You see, I'm trying to get people to buy me an Aston Martin using nothing but the power of politeness and I believe you could help. I'd dearly love you to promote my cause by creating a public outcry. Something of the kind you whipped up for Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand (which did wonders for their career and popularity, by the way. Well done you, you clever old stick!).
I know, I know - I'm no where near as famous as those two great Gods of mirth; but if it helps, you could pretend I'm black or gay. Or both. Or an immigrant perhaps? I was technically born in Hartlepool; but if it helps shock and outrage your readers, I can pretend to be from any where you like.
It really would be awfully nice if you could see your way clear to steering your vast, swine flu fearing, darkie hating, ephebiphobic readership to my website: http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/. Once there, if they could all donate 50p, I'm sure I'd have an Aston Martin in no time.
Thank you ever so much in advance, I leave the fate of my supercar-owning future entirely in your ink-free hands.
Yours in eternal optimism,
An Aston Martin Fan
Perfect.
Friday, 7 August 2009
The big guns
One week in and the campaign is going swimmingly. The totaliser now stands at a meaty £17.37 and the Facebook group has attracted a dizzying 38 members.
Amazing and fantastic!
But not good enough.
I'd like to thank everyone who's participated in this global experiment in the power of politeness. You've been simply scrumptious and hope I can count on your continuing support ... but it's time to pull out the big guns.
I need media support if I'm to make this dream a reality and that can only mean one thing ... it's time to contact Terry Wogan. Below is a copy of the polite email I've just sent to the great man himself:
Dear Mr. Wogan,
I have long been an ardent admirer of your superb breakfast show. I find it informative, entertaining and a worthy addition to the cultural output of this lovely isle. You truly are the king of breakfast entertainment and far superior to that loud mouthed oaf on Radio 1. (In fairness, I should point out I've sent this exact same email to Chris Moyles claiming he's better than you).
I wonder, would it be possible to impose on your famed generosity? You see, I'm conducting a worldwide experiment into the power of politeness and I need your help.
This is, in a way, a lie.
I'm actually trying to persuade random strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using politeness, a snazzy website and spam (the email kind, not the tins of dubious meat - I know these new-fangled terms can confuse those of a chronologically advanced persuasion).
I understand you normally only help injured teddy bears, but it would be lovely if you could visit www.buymeanastonmartin.com. Now, now, don't panic - I am in no way suggesting you buy me an Aston Martin all on your own! Goodness, no; that would be madness! If however you could ask your listeners to contribute a mere fifty pence each, I feel confident the current total of £17.37 could increase by as much as fifty pounds!
Maybe even fifty-five if there's nothing much on the telly that day.
Let me assure you - this isn't a scam or a joke and not a single penny of this money is going to charity. It is exactly what it purports to be, a lone individual (a crazy dreamer some might say) trying to bring a little joy to the world.
My world, true, but it still counts.
Keep up the good work, I shall listen eagerly to your radio show every day until you read out this appeal - or at least until Wednesday, when I have to go and visit Auntie Doreen. Unfortunately the sound of your voice sends her into violent spasms of crockery-smashing rage, so it's best for all concerned if we don't take radios into her house.
Yours, in eternal optimism
An Aston Martin fan
There, that should do it.
Amazing and fantastic!
But not good enough.
I'd like to thank everyone who's participated in this global experiment in the power of politeness. You've been simply scrumptious and hope I can count on your continuing support ... but it's time to pull out the big guns.
I need media support if I'm to make this dream a reality and that can only mean one thing ... it's time to contact Terry Wogan. Below is a copy of the polite email I've just sent to the great man himself:
Dear Mr. Wogan,
I have long been an ardent admirer of your superb breakfast show. I find it informative, entertaining and a worthy addition to the cultural output of this lovely isle. You truly are the king of breakfast entertainment and far superior to that loud mouthed oaf on Radio 1. (In fairness, I should point out I've sent this exact same email to Chris Moyles claiming he's better than you).
I wonder, would it be possible to impose on your famed generosity? You see, I'm conducting a worldwide experiment into the power of politeness and I need your help.
This is, in a way, a lie.
I'm actually trying to persuade random strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using politeness, a snazzy website and spam (the email kind, not the tins of dubious meat - I know these new-fangled terms can confuse those of a chronologically advanced persuasion).
I understand you normally only help injured teddy bears, but it would be lovely if you could visit www.buymeanastonmartin.com. Now, now, don't panic - I am in no way suggesting you buy me an Aston Martin all on your own! Goodness, no; that would be madness! If however you could ask your listeners to contribute a mere fifty pence each, I feel confident the current total of £17.37 could increase by as much as fifty pounds!
Maybe even fifty-five if there's nothing much on the telly that day.
Let me assure you - this isn't a scam or a joke and not a single penny of this money is going to charity. It is exactly what it purports to be, a lone individual (a crazy dreamer some might say) trying to bring a little joy to the world.
My world, true, but it still counts.
Keep up the good work, I shall listen eagerly to your radio show every day until you read out this appeal - or at least until Wednesday, when I have to go and visit Auntie Doreen. Unfortunately the sound of your voice sends her into violent spasms of crockery-smashing rage, so it's best for all concerned if we don't take radios into her house.
Yours, in eternal optimism
An Aston Martin fan
There, that should do it.
Monday, 3 August 2009
The power of politeness
I believe politeness should be rewarded, don't you? After all, this is one of the main aims of this website, to change the world using only the power of politeness.
Admittedly I only really want to change a very small bit of the world. Specifically the tiny bit which currently involves me not sitting in an Aston Martin; but it's still a grand and lofty goal.
Sort of.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, I discovered this weekend I am not the first person in the world to try to convince strangers to buy him an Aston Martin. On Facebook alone I found three previous, and ultimately unsuccessful, attempts.
Three!
Proving, once again, there is nothing new under the sun.
Some people might take the previous failures as proof this can't be done; but I beg to differ. I believe I score over the previous gentlemen in two vitally important ways:
Of these two points, I feel it is the second which shall carry me through to my goal.
Imagine my horror then, when I realised the possibly fatal flaw in my polite assault on your finances ... I'VE FORGOTTEN TO SAY PLEASE!
Goodness, how could I have made such an error?
This website should of course be www.pleasebuymeanastonmartin.com.
I cannot apologise enough for my uncouth naming of this website, really, where are my manners?
Dear friends, can you forgive me? Please? I promise such an unfortunate omission will never, ever occur again.
In other news, the total manifested on the totaliser has doubled over the weekend.
Doubled!
Oh my giddy aunt, it's almost beyond belief! At this thunderous rate it shall be mere years before I attain my target of a shiny new Aston Martin.
Thank you, one and all for your continuing support. You truly are a lovely bunch of chums.
Please, please, please help me to spread the word and together we can show the world politeness is the way forward!
Admittedly I only really want to change a very small bit of the world. Specifically the tiny bit which currently involves me not sitting in an Aston Martin; but it's still a grand and lofty goal.
Sort of.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, I discovered this weekend I am not the first person in the world to try to convince strangers to buy him an Aston Martin. On Facebook alone I found three previous, and ultimately unsuccessful, attempts.
Three!
Proving, once again, there is nothing new under the sun.
Some people might take the previous failures as proof this can't be done; but I beg to differ. I believe I score over the previous gentlemen in two vitally important ways:
- I have this snazzy website, complete with shiny totaliser.
- I am utilising the power of politeness.
Of these two points, I feel it is the second which shall carry me through to my goal.
Imagine my horror then, when I realised the possibly fatal flaw in my polite assault on your finances ... I'VE FORGOTTEN TO SAY PLEASE!
Goodness, how could I have made such an error?
This website should of course be www.pleasebuymeanastonmartin.com.
I cannot apologise enough for my uncouth naming of this website, really, where are my manners?
Dear friends, can you forgive me? Please? I promise such an unfortunate omission will never, ever occur again.
In other news, the total manifested on the totaliser has doubled over the weekend.
Doubled!
Oh my giddy aunt, it's almost beyond belief! At this thunderous rate it shall be mere years before I attain my target of a shiny new Aston Martin.
Thank you, one and all for your continuing support. You truly are a lovely bunch of chums.
Please, please, please help me to spread the word and together we can show the world politeness is the way forward!
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Cynicism
Oh dear, oh dear. It appears the level of cynicism in the world has risen to such epic proportions a gentlemen such as myself can't even email random strangers and ask them to buy him an Aston Martin without being accused of having a hidden objective.
I really, really have tried to be very honest here. I want an Aston Martin and I want you all to buy one for me.
Sadly, I'm up against an evil world and some people have been bitten by a very similar bug in the past. For instance, take this example from a Mr. Brainwhispers:
Dear Aston Martin fan
Thank you kindly for your email. It warms my heart to know that there are spammers out there that take the time to email me. I now feel a little less unloved and lonely in the world.
Now to business.
Unfortunately I will not be able to spare any money for your fund.
There are two reasons for this.
Reason 1.
I am currently saving to buy a yacht.
Reason 2.
I am unsure of your actual intentions.
I had a similar spam email about 10 years ago from "buymeascud.com" a website based in Central Asia
This email went on to explain that a Scud is a kind of utility vehicle (similar to a land rover) popular with the Afghans and would help the owner and his village with transporting the sick and elderly to a nearby hospital.
Well having a big heart how could I say no? I donated £100 and walked around with a warm glow for weeks.
Then all of a sudden I had a knock at the door from the people at MI5.
Apparently I was funding terrorism.
Apparently a Scud is not a popular utility vehicle similar to a land rover.
It is a ballistic missile made by Ruskies!
How angry do you think I was?
How annoyed, upset and betrayed do you think I felt?
I thought it was so genuine. I even had a few personal emails from the man behind buymeascud.com. I thought Mr O. B. Laden was a perfectly pleasant and respectable person.
Unlike those bastards at MI5!
Having ones rectal passage inspected by a middle aged man with massive fingers is not an experience I would ever want to repeat.
I think you will agree that my personal experience with this sort of email has put me in a rather wary position.
So unfortunately I will not be donating to your "aston martin fund"
I would like you to understand that this has nothing to do with me being a tight-wad, skin-flint or miser though.
It is purely down to the fact that I dont want to be buying you a tank, helicopter gunship, box of ak47's or even a spudgun (those things can blind!)
Also, if I get in trouble with MI5 again my Mum said she would confiscate my playstation2.
With kind regards
Mr Brainwhispers.
This kind of behaviour from members of Her Majesty's Secret Service is unacceptable. A kindly man agrees to help out a stranger and the next thing you know he's having his anus probed by spies.
It's behaviour like this, and that of the naughty terrorists who duped poor Mr. Brainwhispers in the first place which make it incredibly difficult for honest people like me to prove their worth.
Please, please, please believe me - I have no intentions other than buying an Aston Martin. I wish I could reassure you more, but it is beyond my power.
I understand Mr. Brainwhispers' plight and completely respect his desire not to donate.
Good luck with that yacht, Mr. Brainwhispers!
I really, really have tried to be very honest here. I want an Aston Martin and I want you all to buy one for me.
Sadly, I'm up against an evil world and some people have been bitten by a very similar bug in the past. For instance, take this example from a Mr. Brainwhispers:
Dear Aston Martin fan
Thank you kindly for your email. It warms my heart to know that there are spammers out there that take the time to email me. I now feel a little less unloved and lonely in the world.
Now to business.
Unfortunately I will not be able to spare any money for your fund.
There are two reasons for this.
Reason 1.
I am currently saving to buy a yacht.
Reason 2.
I am unsure of your actual intentions.
I had a similar spam email about 10 years ago from "buymeascud.com" a website based in Central Asia
This email went on to explain that a Scud is a kind of utility vehicle (similar to a land rover) popular with the Afghans and would help the owner and his village with transporting the sick and elderly to a nearby hospital.
Well having a big heart how could I say no? I donated £100 and walked around with a warm glow for weeks.
Then all of a sudden I had a knock at the door from the people at MI5.
Apparently I was funding terrorism.
Apparently a Scud is not a popular utility vehicle similar to a land rover.
It is a ballistic missile made by Ruskies!
How angry do you think I was?
How annoyed, upset and betrayed do you think I felt?
I thought it was so genuine. I even had a few personal emails from the man behind buymeascud.com. I thought Mr O. B. Laden was a perfectly pleasant and respectable person.
Unlike those bastards at MI5!
Having ones rectal passage inspected by a middle aged man with massive fingers is not an experience I would ever want to repeat.
I think you will agree that my personal experience with this sort of email has put me in a rather wary position.
So unfortunately I will not be donating to your "aston martin fund"
I would like you to understand that this has nothing to do with me being a tight-wad, skin-flint or miser though.
It is purely down to the fact that I dont want to be buying you a tank, helicopter gunship, box of ak47's or even a spudgun (those things can blind!)
Also, if I get in trouble with MI5 again my Mum said she would confiscate my playstation2.
With kind regards
Mr Brainwhispers.
This kind of behaviour from members of Her Majesty's Secret Service is unacceptable. A kindly man agrees to help out a stranger and the next thing you know he's having his anus probed by spies.
It's behaviour like this, and that of the naughty terrorists who duped poor Mr. Brainwhispers in the first place which make it incredibly difficult for honest people like me to prove their worth.
Please, please, please believe me - I have no intentions other than buying an Aston Martin. I wish I could reassure you more, but it is beyond my power.
I understand Mr. Brainwhispers' plight and completely respect his desire not to donate.
Good luck with that yacht, Mr. Brainwhispers!
Friday, 31 July 2009
The beginning ...
Well, we're off to a flying start!
Of course, when I say we, I mean me since it's going to be my Aston Martin. The totaliser's showing £3.47 already and the site isn't even live yet!
Admittedly, I found that money down the back of the sofa - but it still counts. Thank you sofa for your unending generosity.
Go spread the word to your upholstered friends.
UPDATE
Goodness, the money is just rolling in now. Check out the totaliser for the latest total.
Of course, when I say we, I mean me since it's going to be my Aston Martin. The totaliser's showing £3.47 already and the site isn't even live yet!
Admittedly, I found that money down the back of the sofa - but it still counts. Thank you sofa for your unending generosity.
Go spread the word to your upholstered friends.
UPDATE
Goodness, the money is just rolling in now. Check out the totaliser for the latest total.
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