Flyers

The campaign is going swimmingly, I couldn't be happier. £47.93 and going strong!

But not strong enough.

It's time to take it to the next level ... flyers. If you were, completely by chance whilst browsing the site, to stumble upon the spread the word page you might find yourself confronted with a new section.

"Oho, what's this?" you'd probably say.

Unless you were French, in which case you'd probably say "Oh la la, qu'est-ce c'est?".

Either way, you'd be looking at the wonderful new flyers:

and:

Feel free to download as many as you can carry, but please use them responsibly. I would be mortified if, for example, any swans choked to death as a result of improper application.

Power of politeness flyers - expect them in a town near you soon!

The Daily Mail

It's been over a week and no word from Terry Wogan, shame; but I expect he's a very busy man what with working two hours a day, five days a week.

Still, onwards and slightly downwards. I've decided to enlist the press in my campaign. Naturally, I want to stay true to the principles of politeness and positivity; and with this in mind I've written to the only logical choice ... The Daily Mail:

Dear The Daily Mail,

hello there, I hope you're having a wonderful day. May I just say I'm a huge fan of your newspaper?

I may?

Splendid.

Obviously, I'm not so fond of the racist and homophobic bits, but I enjoy the rest. Like the cartoons. Except 'The Odd Streak', I'm afraid I don't get that one.

I suppose, on reflection, buying your newspaper is quite an expensive way to read Fred Basset but there you go. It is what it is and Tony (my parakeet) loves your paper in his cage. I think it's because the ink doesn't rub off on his claws.

May I impose on you to do what you do best?

Not spread fear and xenophobic hatred, I know that's your number one skill; but I was wondering if I could engage your services for your second most favourite pastime ... creating a furore.

You see, I'm trying to get people to buy me an Aston Martin using nothing but the power of politeness and I believe you could help. I'd dearly love you to promote my cause by creating a public outcry. Something of the kind you whipped up for Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand (which did wonders for their career and popularity, by the way. Well done you, you clever old stick!).

I know, I know - I'm no where near as famous as those two great Gods of mirth; but if it helps, you could pretend I'm black or gay. Or both. Or an immigrant perhaps? I was technically born in Hartlepool; but if it helps shock and outrage your readers, I can pretend to be from any where you like.

It really would be awfully nice if you could see your way clear to steering your vast, swine flu fearing, darkie hating, ephebiphobic readership to my website: http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/. Once there, if they could all donate 50p, I'm sure I'd have an Aston Martin in no time.

Thank you ever so much in advance, I leave the fate of my supercar-owning future entirely in your ink-free hands.

Yours in eternal optimism,

An Aston Martin Fan

Perfect.

The big guns

One week in and the campaign is going swimmingly. The totaliser now stands at a meaty £17.37 and the Facebook group has attracted a dizzying 38 members.

Amazing and fantastic!

But not good enough.

I'd like to thank everyone who's participated in this global experiment in the power of politeness. You've been simply scrumptious and hope I can count on your continuing support ... but it's time to pull out the big guns.

I need media support if I'm to make this dream a reality and that can only mean one thing ... it's time to contact Terry Wogan. Below is a copy of the polite email I've just sent to the great man himself:

Dear Mr. Wogan,

I have long been an ardent admirer of your superb breakfast show. I find it informative, entertaining and a worthy addition to the cultural output of this lovely isle. You truly are the king of breakfast entertainment and far superior to that loud mouthed oaf on Radio 1. (In fairness, I should point out I've sent this exact same email to Chris Moyles claiming he's better than you).

I wonder, would it be possible to impose on your famed generosity? You see, I'm conducting a worldwide experiment into the power of politeness and I need your help.

This is, in a way, a lie.

I'm actually trying to persuade random strangers to buy me an Aston Martin using politeness, a snazzy website and spam (the email kind, not the tins of dubious meat - I know these new-fangled terms can confuse those of a chronologically advanced persuasion).

I understand you normally only help injured teddy bears, but it would be lovely if you could visit www.buymeanastonmartin.com. Now, now, don't panic - I am in no way suggesting you buy me an Aston Martin all on your own! Goodness, no; that would be madness! If however you could ask your listeners to contribute a mere fifty pence each, I feel confident the current total of £17.37 could increase by as much as fifty pounds!

Maybe even fifty-five if there's nothing much on the telly that day.

Let me assure you - this isn't a scam or a joke and not a single penny of this money is going to charity. It is exactly what it purports to be, a lone individual (a crazy dreamer some might say) trying to bring a little joy to the world.

My world, true, but it still counts.

Keep up the good work, I shall listen eagerly to your radio show every day until you read out this appeal - or at least until Wednesday, when I have to go and visit Auntie Doreen. Unfortunately the sound of your voice sends her into violent spasms of crockery-smashing rage, so it's best for all concerned if we don't take radios into her house.

Yours, in eternal optimism

An Aston Martin fan

There, that should do it.

The power of politeness

I believe politeness should be rewarded, don't you? After all, this is one of the main aims of this website, to change the world using only the power of politeness.

Admittedly I only really want to change a very small bit of the world. Specifically the tiny bit which currently involves me not sitting in an Aston Martin; but it's still a grand and lofty goal.

Sort of.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I discovered this weekend I am not the first person in the world to try to convince strangers to buy him an Aston Martin. On Facebook alone I found three previous, and ultimately unsuccessful, attempts.

Three!

Proving, once again, there is nothing new under the sun.

Some people might take the previous failures as proof this can't be done; but I beg to differ. I believe I score over the previous gentlemen in two vitally important ways:

1. I have this snazzy website, complete with shiny totaliser.
2. I am utilising the power of politeness.

Of these two points, I feel it is the second which shall carry me through to my goal.

Imagine my horror then, when I realised the possibly fatal flaw in my polite assault on your finances ... I'VE FORGOTTEN TO SAY PLEASE!

Goodness, how could I have made such an error?

This website should of course be www.pleasebuymeanastonmartin.com.

I cannot apologise enough for my uncouth naming of this website, really, where are my manners?

Dear friends, can you forgive me? Please? I promise such an unfortunate omission will never, ever occur again.

In other news, the total manifested on the totaliser has doubled over the weekend.

Doubled!

Oh my giddy aunt, it's almost beyond belief! At this thunderous rate it shall be mere years before I attain my target of a shiny new Aston Martin.

Thank you, one and all for your continuing support. You truly are a lovely bunch of chums.
Please, please, please help me to spread the word and together we can show the world politeness is the way forward!

Cynicism

Oh dear, oh dear. It appears the level of cynicism in the world has risen to such epic proportions a gentlemen such as myself can't even email random strangers and ask them to buy him an Aston Martin without being accused of having a hidden objective.

I really, really have tried to be very honest here. I want an Aston Martin and I want you all to buy one for me.

Sadly, I'm up against an evil world and some people have been bitten by a very similar bug in the past. For instance, take this example from a Mr. Brainwhispers:

Dear Aston Martin fan

Thank you kindly for your email. It warms my heart to know that there are spammers out there that take the time to email me. I now feel a little less unloved and lonely in the world.

Now to business.

Unfortunately I will not be able to spare any money for your fund.

There are two reasons for this.

Reason 1.

I am currently saving to buy a yacht.

Reason 2.

I am unsure of your actual intentions.

I had a similar spam email about 10 years ago from "buymeascud.com" a website based in Central Asia

This email went on to explain that a Scud is a kind of utility vehicle (similar to a land rover) popular with the Afghans and would help the owner and his village with transporting the sick and elderly to a nearby hospital.

Well having a big heart how could I say no? I donated £100 and walked around with a warm glow for weeks.

Then all of a sudden I had a knock at the door from the people at MI5.

Apparently I was funding terrorism.

Apparently a Scud is not a popular utility vehicle similar to a land rover.

It is a ballistic missile made by Ruskies!

How angry do you think I was?

How annoyed, upset and betrayed do you think I felt?

I thought it was so genuine. I even had a few personal emails from the man behind buymeascud.com. I thought Mr O. B. Laden was a perfectly pleasant and respectable person.

Unlike those bastards at MI5!

Having ones rectal passage inspected by a middle aged man with massive fingers is not an experience I would ever want to repeat.

I think you will agree that my personal experience with this sort of email has put me in a rather wary position.

So unfortunately I will not be donating to your "aston martin fund"

I would like you to understand that this has nothing to do with me being a tight-wad, skin-flint or miser though.

It is purely down to the fact that I dont want to be buying you a tank, helicopter gunship, box of ak47's or even a spudgun (those things can blind!)

Also, if I get in trouble with MI5 again my Mum said she would confiscate my playstation2.


With kind regards


Mr Brainwhispers.

This kind of behaviour from members of Her Majesty's Secret Service is unacceptable. A kindly man agrees to help out a stranger and the next thing you know he's having his anus probed by spies.

It's behaviour like this, and that of the naughty terrorists who duped poor Mr. Brainwhispers in the first place which make it incredibly difficult for honest people like me to prove their worth.

Please, please, please believe me - I have no intentions other than buying an Aston Martin. I wish I could reassure you more, but it is beyond my power.

I understand Mr. Brainwhispers' plight and completely respect his desire not to donate.

Good luck with that yacht, Mr. Brainwhispers!