The Daily Mail

It's been over a week and no word from Terry Wogan, shame; but I expect he's a very busy man what with working two hours a day, five days a week.

Still, onwards and slightly downwards. I've decided to enlist the press in my campaign. Naturally, I want to stay true to the principles of politeness and positivity; and with this in mind I've written to the only logical choice ... The Daily Mail:

Dear The Daily Mail,

hello there, I hope you're having a wonderful day. May I just say I'm a huge fan of your newspaper?

I may?

Splendid.

Obviously, I'm not so fond of the racist and homophobic bits, but I enjoy the rest. Like the cartoons. Except 'The Odd Streak', I'm afraid I don't get that one.

I suppose, on reflection, buying your newspaper is quite an expensive way to read Fred Basset but there you go. It is what it is and Tony (my parakeet) loves your paper in his cage. I think it's because the ink doesn't rub off on his claws.

May I impose on you to do what you do best?

Not spread fear and xenophobic hatred, I know that's your number one skill; but I was wondering if I could engage your services for your second most favourite pastime ... creating a furore.

You see, I'm trying to get people to buy me an Aston Martin using nothing but the power of politeness and I believe you could help. I'd dearly love you to promote my cause by creating a public outcry. Something of the kind you whipped up for Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand (which did wonders for their career and popularity, by the way. Well done you, you clever old stick!).

I know, I know - I'm no where near as famous as those two great Gods of mirth; but if it helps, you could pretend I'm black or gay. Or both. Or an immigrant perhaps? I was technically born in Hartlepool; but if it helps shock and outrage your readers, I can pretend to be from any where you like.

It really would be awfully nice if you could see your way clear to steering your vast, swine flu fearing, darkie hating, ephebiphobic readership to my website: http://www.buymeanastonmartin.com/. Once there, if they could all donate 50p, I'm sure I'd have an Aston Martin in no time.

Thank you ever so much in advance, I leave the fate of my supercar-owning future entirely in your ink-free hands.

Yours in eternal optimism,

An Aston Martin Fan

Perfect.